(My thoughts from Jan 10 as I traveled back to Haiti)
Sitting here in the LA airport waiting to catch the red-eye flight back to Haiti I am bombarded with emotions--uncertaintly mostly. Do I really want to go back (at this point...no)? What am I really doing there that is making a difference? Do I have enough love to really touch people's lives? Can I be effective? I feel so small for such huge problems that never seem to have answers or a solution.
Everything about sitting in this ariport is a total contrast to the life in Haiti. We left Haiti in a rush right before Christmas due to the political unrest. I won't go into the detail about the whole situation, but it was absolutely mentally draining more than anything. I honestly don't know that I am mentally prepared to go back. There is such mixed emotions that I don't know how I am going to react once I get there. Part of me is happy at the thought of seeing people there, but at the same time the main feeling is an overwhelming sense of dread.
Landing in PAP, being jostled by people who I don't understand, feeling unsure in a foreign land, arriving at the hospital where many people will want to talk to me all at once...makes me just want to hide. I don't like feeling this way. To say it makes me feel like a bad person or that I can't handle it, but I would be lying to say that everything is perfect there and that I am thrilled to be heading back. I really want to make a difference, but looking at all the areas that need help in Haiti it makes me wonder what I can really do? There is devestation on so many levels that it can feel so overwhelming and almost useless. I don't feel like I have genuine love for the people or the situation. I am not the "super Christian" who has it all together. So that brings me to the unsettling question of why am I in Haiti? What do I have to offer. I am young and have so much to learn. I guess it becomes all the more evident that I can't "fix" Haiti. It is all really beyond me. So maybe I should take my focus off of trying to make things perfect and just be available for the people I come in contact with every day. But then how do I Really do that? I don't feel qualified for any of this. But due to that fact it certainly has brouht me to my knees, pleading with God to give me His love and to humble my heart before him because I am recognizing more each day that the ONLY way that we can truely make a difference is through God's incredible strength and help. I can grunt and groan and try to do things all myself, but it doesn't change the fact that I simply can't do it on my own. I don't understand it completely, but because of the pain and suffering I see in Haiti it makes me more dependent on God for strength and wisdom, which I so badly need. And now more than ever I just want Jesus to come and make this old world new. Just think...He has promised to wipe away every tear! I want that now!!!
I don't know what the future holds and I don't know the real reasons why we may be in Haiti. But I do know that God has a plan and I want to be apart of it.