Making Sense Of It All

Two years is not so long…and yet it is extremely long at the same time. In some respects it feels like we just arrived in Haiti and but it also feels like we have been here forever.  We have poured out every ounce of energy into Haiti for the last 2 years and yet I still have the nagging question of “could I have done more?” or “what could I have done differently to make things better?” So much has moved forward and changed and yet it is still not enough. It seems like there will always be the never-ending list of needs here.  In some respects the overwhelming number of needs just makes me want to throw up my hands and say “what’s the point?” But then that begs the question of, if I am only going to work in a place that doesn’t have problems what is the real goal of me being there? Is it just to feel good about myself and pat myself on the back, or is it to be available for whatever the current needs are?

It would be nice if we could neatly package up our time here in Haiti and say that everything is fixed and better than when we came. To some degree it is better, to some degree we may have added to the problems, but hopefully we made a lasting difference in some small arena…and I hope the differences we have made are not just the physical changes of the hospital, rather I hope that it has improved how the hospital is functioning on the inside (even if its just baby steps in the right direction). We can refinish and remodel buildings all we want, but if the inside isn’t changed than we’ve essentially just painted a collapsed building, which is obviously pointless.

One week and we’ll be back in California. I have been excited about leaving for weeks and didn’t think the time could pass by fast enough, but now as it gets closer to our departure date I feel more conflicted about leaving. I see so many things that still need to happen here and wonder who will be able to follow through with them. I see the people that I have grown to love and realize that I honestly might never see them again. I even think of my new little home and the blessing it has been and wonder where our next home will be. I will certainly miss parts of our experience here. (However I won’t miss the traffic, people peeing on the side of the road, phone calls at all hours of the day and night, the trash, or people swindling and cheating each other). Our experience in Haiti has taught us so much, stretched us beyond imagination, and molded us into different people then we were when we first arrived. Lots of our time here has been really tough but through it all it we are blessed to have been here.

-Amy